Musing Of MOTHER BY LEMMIE LACOUR MAXWELL 1949

To Odis, Lila, Paul and David- with all my love.

March 9, 1949

After nine month of almost unbearable nausea, pain and weakness - and after hours of indescribable agony and anguish of wasted labor - they mercifully put me to sleep and took my baby with forceps.

"What happened?" I asked when I awoke from the nightmare.

"You have a perfect seven and one half pound boy,' Kathleen answered. "Me?" I said, not believing yet that it was all over. "Well," she said laughing, "The doctors helped." "You mean Someone else helped," I thought to myself, drowsy and content. From the very first, the doctors gave me no hope. The young one said I should not "be allowed to go through with it," and the first time I was threatened with miscarriage, he remarked to someone, who promptly told me, "It would be a blessing if she could only lose it now." But, the old one said, "Look, Lemmie, we aren't going to leave a stone unturned. However, you must realize if the time does come, the decision will rest with Odis and of course he choose you instead of the baby."

I told Father Hoppy about it when he came to see me the first time I was in the hospital during my pregnancy, and he promptly preached a sermon about me.. He called me a saint, and exaggerated when he quoted me as having said, "Take my baby? I'll die first" People came into my room with tears in their eyes to tell me about the sermon, but I was not humbled nor pleased. I felt exposed. I felt he had betrayed my confidence.. But David arrived safe and sound, perfect and beautiful, and he and I both survived, which was what I knew was going to happen all along. The morning I left the hospital, a Catholic nurse brought him into my room. Knowing me and the circumstances, she remarked, "Just look at this magnificent baby. You know, Lemmie, I think he might have been sent here for a purpose, maybe to prove something."

Yes, he has proven something. The doctors still say I must not ever have another child, I cannot have another one. I heard all that after Lila and Paul were born too. But, I have the strong conviction that if it is God's Holy Will, I shall have another one. And what's more, it and I shall survive the next time, too.

In the meantime, Odis and I acted like we had never had a baby before - much less two. They kept me in bed in the hospital for two weeks, and they allowed me to keep David with me as much as I wanted. Times have changed. "Babies need personal attention," they say. "Feed them when they are hungry. I used to take my stand, watching the clock, holding a bottle in each hand, waiting for the hand to reach the hour, Lila and Paul screaming to the top of their lungs...

While I was in the hospital, Odis ran in every chance he had, and we would admire and "mirate" and brag to everyone who would listen. Someone said, "Why you two act like he is your first child." Well he is our first -one-at -the -time, and we can give him all the love and attention that we had to divide between the twins. They are as proud as punch. We were afraid they would be a little jealous, but they have not shown any signs of jealously as yet. However, they were a little disappointed at first. Lila said, "I thought we were going to have two babies - one for me and one for Paulie." Paul said, "Well, I did get my baby, Lila, 'cause he's a little boy, but you can have him too."

Bless their hearts. Now that it is all over, I feel wonderful and I am going to try extra hard to make up to them and Odis and Mother and everybody else for the way Ii was those horrible nine months. Odis and Mother laugh about it now, but I know they are relieved to have be back.

I am nursing the baby, wonders of wonders, I begged Dr. Jones the whole time and he said that if I wanted to badly enough, I would. And I weigh 103 pounds - which is quite a lot more that I weighed when I became pregnant. Well, one sure thing - now I can eat all the shrimp stew and syrup and bread I want!

March 13, 1949

David received the sacrament of Baptism yesterday - administered by a Monsignor, no less - our new pastor, Monsignor J.E. Howard. He told us afterwards that David was the first baby he has baptized since he came to St. Anthony's last week.

Sybil and Boots Davis are David's godparents. Teen-ager Boots was most dignified during the ceremony, and David was wide awake, quiet and beautiful in his "ensemble." I had crotched a small white set - sweater, cap and booties - just for the occasion, since new babies always look so lost in most sweaters and caps. He shan't be able to wear it anymore, however. He is so big - he weighs nine pounds now.

All of us were present for the ceremony. The twins were a little concerned about the salt and oil and water, but as I had coached and warned them beforehand, they did not ask any of their usual, endless questions. It was the first Catholic Baptism Odis had ever seen, and he said it was very beautiful and very impressive. He does not believe in original sin, of course, but he understands how we feel about it. Since David was never in any danger of dying, we had "put off" the ceremony until I could attend.

It is a wondrous experience - taking part in the first important event in your child's life - aside from his entering the world. I do not know much about that, however. I have three babies, yet I did not hear any of them give their first cry. Oh well, one can't have everything!

 May 1, 1949

David is the most wonderful baby in the world. He is beautiful and healthy and good and beguiling. Lila and Paul  love him as much as Odis and I do. They have never been jealous of him in the slightest degree. "Our baby," they say, their little faces shining with pride.

Odis rocks him to sleep at night, singing hillbilly songs, and David loves it. When I rock him, I hum Brahms Lullaby and he frets! I must learn Tumbling Tumbleweeds and The Sun's Goanna Shine.

But I nurse him. It is still a miracle and is an indescribable experience. All I can say is that one isn't a mother in every sense of the word until she nurses her baby at her breast. If the young mothers who refuse to try to nurse their babies only knew....

Everyone is amazed because I can nurse him - just because I am underweight and "delicate" - as they used to say of mid Victorian heroines. Well, my milk is of such a wonderful richness that David has to have an ounce of water before each feeding! That, it seems, is the only way in which mothers' milk can be diluted.

May 29 1949

We all went to Baton Rouge last Sunday to spend the day with the Savarios and to visit our other Baton Rouge relatives - mainly so that I could show David and my 'new' figure' off, Odis said. And David was on his best behavior and charmed everyone, of course.

Our cousin Eloise, has a new baby, too - Michael. He is small and appealing with golden ringlets all over his beautifully shaped head. I told her Odis and I had thought of "Michael" before David was born, but "Michael Maxwell" didn't sound right. The more I say "David" the more I love the name.

Jimbo is without a doubt the most endearing child I ever met. He is two and a half now, and has at last begun to talk. You can sense his "goodness" and his eyes are large and dark and soft, and his smile almost breaks your heart. Julia Quinn told us that whenever she and John need a sitter their neighbors fight to "keep" him. Odis said, "He's got it made. All of his life he will get what he wants - just on his looks and personality." But, it goes deeper than just his personality and amazing beauty. He is an exceptional child, and I keep remembering his baptism, and wondering if he did receive a special grace for having been the first baby that earnest young priest had ever baptized.

June 2, 1949

The accent of all French Louisiana is charming, but Mrs. Roy down at the corner grocery has one that is a wonder and delight.

She has the faculty of getting her meaning over to you with just a shrug or two and a few words. There is a young woman in this town who is not pretty, and she does nothing to make herself look attractive, but she is intelligent and has a fine personality and sense of humor, and after you get to know her, you do not notice her lack of beauty at all.

This morning when I was in the store, she came in, evidently for the first time. Mrs. Roy looked at me, rolled her eyes, gave a shrug and said, "My clock stop'." Just those three words and the way in which she said them made me know at once she was quoting from the old saying "homely enough to stop a clock."

June 18, 1949

Lila and Paul have watched me nurse David ever since the day we brought him home from the hospital, but it has never cease to amaze them. They marvel to each other - and to everyone else who will listen. Needless to say, sometimes their remarks are a little embarrassing, too. They had invited Susan in to watch the procedure, and she was dully impressed, but it was a different story with Kitty. The last time she came over to play, Lila and Paul asked me to be sure and call them when it was time for David's feeding, which of course I did. They ushered Kitty in through the kitchen door, and I could hear them telling her, "You're going to watch David get his milk," as though it were one of the wonders of the world. "Oh, Lila and Paul, every baby gets milk," she said scornfully. "What's so wonderful about that?" "Yes, but not like David does," they told her proudly. When the three of them came into my room, Paul said, "See, kitty, I told you David was different. He gets his milk from Mamma." She gave one horrified glance and left the room hurriedly, her nose held high. "Well !" she exclaimed. " I never in all my life heard of such a thing!" It did not deflate the twins in the least. But, I must warn them not to keep telling people, "You ought to see the way our baby gets 

His milk!"

August 4, 1949

Orelia, my "ion lady" is brown, big bosomed, gentle, polite and very religious. She is always quoting scriptures to comfort me if I am upset or worried on the days when she comes to iron. She never says, "Ah am goin' to do so and so," without adding, "ef the Lawd says the same." Yet, she has three illegitimate children. Once, when we were discussing sin, I asked, "Orelia, didn't you feel you were sinning when you had those boys?" She straightened up, put her iron on the rest and said seriously and sincerely, "Miz. Maxwell, here's the way Ah looks at it. you know Ah had seven chillen for mah legal husban' befo' he went crazy and had to be put in the 'sylum. It's true Ah had them last three boys without no husban', but I'se a breedin' woman, and the Lawd put life in mah body so them boys could comfort me in mah old age. Now, would He have sont me them babies ef He hadn't of wanted me to have 'em?"

I  couldn't think of a thing to say.

September 3, 1949

We very nearly lost David in July. I have not been able to write about it, nor think about it very much, except to thank God with almost every breath I take for having given him back to us, living and normal. He was only four and one half months old, but he developed one of the seven dread diseases -a encephalitis - how, we will never know. The simple definition of the disease in "inflammation of the membranes of the brain," which sounds even more frightening that just encephalitis.  The doctors did not give us much hope. At first they said he would not live, then they said if he lived he might become a spastic, an idiot - or blind.

I will not attempt to explain how I felt nor how Odis felt, but we prayed that God's Will be done, and His will was to give him back to us just as he was before - healthy, beautiful and intelligent.

He will not sit alone, crawl nor walk as soon as he would have done, the doctors say, and a muscle in one of his eyes is a little out of line, but we were told even that may correct itself without glasses.

The most heartbreaking thing about it was that in spite of his being so desperately ill and not able to see for a while, and in spite of all the shots and horrible infusions, he cooed and smiled and laughed the whole time. When he was at his sickest, he could not sleep, but he did not fret nor cry. Perhaps that is why he lived. Perhaps that was his way of fighting to live, and perhaps all of those times he almost died before he was born, he was fighting for his life in the very same way. When I was carrying him, we fought together, but this time I could only stand guard by his bed - and watch and pray..

No matter how many more children I may have, he will always have a very special place in the secret part of my heart.

September 19, 1949

The Savario's were here last week-end, and David developed a terrific crush on John. John loves all babies, so he was very pleased over David's refusal to "go to" anyone else when John was holding him.  As usual, it was absolute bedlam when all the younger children were together, but Alice has solved the problem for us. She takes them all in one room or one place in the yard and keeps them amused and happy. We marvel at her. She is just ten years old, but she has the wisdom and way with children of a dedicated kindergarten teacher. She never raises her voice, yet the kids obey her without question, and love her devotedly. Her marvelous ability to charm children is a gift very few persons possess. What a wonderful mother she will make some day.

November 3, 1949

Papa Maxwell is gone. He died alone with just Mama Maxwell - from a sudden heart attack. They took him home to Fishville. Conscious

 the very end, he told her, "Mama, it is much easier to die than to live." He was a wise and wonderful man. Deeply religious, he lived his religion all the days of his life. He faithfully kept the two commandments Jesus left us all - Love Me and Love Thy Neighbor As Thyself.

Jasper Newton Maxwell - huntsman, fisherman, wood carver, philosopher - and the one truly blithe spirit I have ever known.

December 1, 1949

Lila and Paul were five today. We gave them their usual small, family birthday party and some red scooters with which they were so charmed they forsook the party! Fortunately, the guest were cousins, and Susan who is as close as a cousin. They do not share as they used to do. There has to be two of everything now, and everything has to be absolutely alike. For instance, they play ball one minute and dolls the nest - with equal enthusiasm. Paul has his own doll and doll clothes, and unashamedly sits and rocks his "baby" the same as Lila. And goodness knows he is all boy.

The last time the Savarios were here for the week-end, Lila was ailing and had to stay inside, so I called Kitty to come over and keep her company. Paul, Johnny and Jimbo  had a football game going outside, and instead of playing "little girl" games with Kitty, Lila kept her snub nose pressed against the window pane watching the football game yearningly. She yelled instructions to Paul, "Block that kick, Paulie. Block that kick! Shucks, if I could go out, I betcha I'd block that kick." 

They ask me to divide a slice of bread, and woe be unto me if I give either of them the wrong piece. "That's mine! they shout - and I can never remember which end goes to whom. I have finally solved the problem of how to keep from giving one of them an extra drop of milk, however. I bought two measuring cups with bright red lines, from which they drink all liquids including water, carefully holding the cups up, matching line for line. I wonder sometimes if they realize the time is almost here when they will be twins no longer, and unconsciously fighting to keep their wonderful relationship as long as possible. Or, are they trying to become individuals in their own eyes? I am all mixed up, and at times I think they are too. Thanks to goodness for the measuring cups, but I do wish they would each eat a whole slice of bread at the time.

December 27, 1949

As usual, Lila and Paul were showered with Christmas gifts, but the ones they like best are the sturdy red wheelbarrows my uncle Alphonse brought them. Odis and I had never thought of giving them wheelbarrows, despite our racking our brains each year for something different for out of doors, which is where they spend every day unless it is raining or too cold. They have "hauled" everything they could think of - except David. I had to draw the line somewhere!

 There is another advantage about the barrows. no more "trash" in the yard. They actually scatter things about so that they might load it all back and wheel it away to the trash can. Why didn't we think of wheel barrows long ago?

David's first Christmas gifts did not impress him at all. He discarded the presents and cried for the bright wrappings!