Musing Of MOTHER BY LEMMIE LACOUR MAXWELL 1948

To Odis, Lila, Paul and David- with all my love.

April 6,1948

Paul has an intense desire for a horse - of all things. He talks about it constantly, and "rides" an imaginary one all the time. Watching him, you can almost see the horse. "He sits in the saddle well," says Odis. Today, to my horror, I caught him on his knees lapping water out a mud puddle. "Paul!" I demanded. "Do you want to catch polio and die?" "Yeah,' he answered. "  Then maybe I could go to heaven and get my horse." I suppose he thinks that is the only way he will ever acquire one!

April 30, 1948

John, Julia Quinn and the boys came up for a visit last weekend, and the weather was lovely for a change. Usually it pours cats and dogs the whole time they are here. And, as usual, John kept us in stitches with the enchanting stories he tells in "Cajunese." He vows they are all true. I tell him he should write them down, but it is practically impossible to capture the accent and inflections of "Cajunese" with paper and ink. It is a pity that it cannot be done justice in "writing" because it is utterly delightful. Julia Quinn is going to have another baby. We are a little worried as she doesn't look at all well. Perhaps that means she will have a girl this time. We all hope so. We can't help noticing the wistful look on her face when she is watching Alice and Kitty and Lila.

Speaking of Lila, the little charmer has always had a most terrific crush on John. Every time they come up for a visit, she follows his every step and pesters him to death. At least, I am afraid she is annoying him, but I noticed every time she says "unca John" he gives her his undivided attention. I think he must want a girl as much as Julia Quinn does.

May 3, 1948

 When the Savarios were here, we all got together and took pictures in my back yard, and we caught Mother unaware and snapped one of her. I don't know why she has such an aversion to having her picture make. It surely isn't her looks, because she is striking with her height and hair and clear skin. As Papa Maxwell said to me the first time he saw her, "Your mother is the prettiest one of you girls."

Anyway, she was sitting on the terrace holding Pierre, and even though they were in the shade, the white wall of the house cast a perfect light, so while Julia Quinn distracted her, Kathleen motioned to me, and I snapped the camera quickly.

Afterwards we burst out laughing and she said, "Oh my goodness. Did you take my picture, Lemmie? Well, I'll just tear it up." But today, when Odis brought in the developed films and she looked at the snapshot, she said, "Maybe we'd better keep it-it's very good of Pierre." It's very good of her too!"

May 16, 1948

This morning when I was hanging clothes, I saw a "sleep baby sleep" with its tiny pink blossom still wet with dew, it seemed like a miracle. I plucked it and put it in a small perfume bottle - one of my little-girl treasures- and watched it until if faded. I remember how I hurt inside because it was so beautiful, and when if finally withered and crumbled away, I cried myself to sleep.

Children should be surrounded by beauty so that they may grow up walking through it.

June 29, 1948

Julia Quinn lost her baby this month and had to undergo an operation afterwards. She came here for Baton Rouge to have it done so that Mother and I could attend to Johnny and Jimmy.

I was alone with her as she came out from under the ether. Semi-conscious she began to weep like her heart was broken. "Ssh,", I said. "It's all over. It's all right." then, her voice filled with anguish, she sobbed, "Oh, Lemmie, I was in purgatory and I saw Daddy and he said, ' Baby, please pray for me.' I was there and I saw him in the fire and he was begging." I broke out in a cold sweat. Where does one go when she has been put so deeply asleep?

July 18, 1948

Lila, Paul, and Susan were playing right near the kitchen window today. "Let's play house," said Lila. "Okay," said Susan. "Paul, you be the Daddy and go on to work," making it very plain that two was company, three a crowd. Lila gave Paul their "twin" look, and he walked off a few steps then promptly came back. "Didn't we tell you to go on to work, Paul?" demanded Susan. "Yeah," he said. "But I forgot - it's my day off." Lila's deep, infectious, joyous laughter came, and when she could stop laughing long enough to talk, she said, "It sure is Paulie. I forgot too."

July 23, 1948

A most wondrous thing is happening to Odis and me - we are going to have another child in February. Perhaps the more children you have the more you want! I have suspected it for almost two months now, but as before the doctors had to consult a rabbit before they would  listen to me. Why on both occasions did they make every conceivable test to see what ailed me before they had to murder a poor little rabbit? I shall always have a tender spot in my heart for rabbits. They give their lives for human babies, so to speak.

The doctors don't seem to pleased. They have insisted I might not carry the baby. Pooh. They do not know that - only God does. We shall see. I have told Lila and Paul. And they want two babies! "  One for me and one for Paulie," says Lila.

Well.......we shall see about that, too. But, deep in my heart I keep thinking how wonderful it will be not to have to divide my attention between two babies Just one little baby at the time to cuddly and fuss over and rock....just one little baby at the time....

October 18, 1948

I am sick to my very soul - physically, and sometimes, I think, mentally. I am cross and rude, and have no patience with Lila and Paul, poor little things. They give me such bewildered looks when I am haranguing for nothing. Odis and mother have the utmost patience with me. As for that matter, everyone does. I believe they know I am not myself at all. I spend days in bed with not enough energy to open my eyes. I have been hospitalized four times already. The baby is almost killing me, but is still alive and kicking, thank God, despite all the threats of miscarriage. On my good days, I try to make up for my mean ones. And when I am in bed and strong enough to sit up, I crochet and sew baby things. I am prepared for a boy or a girl or both - but the X-rays show just one. Dear Mary, Mother of God, give me strength, let the baby be normal, take from me but give to it.

December 30,1948

I have had two weeks of feeling human again. I was actually able to Christmas shop and cook Christmas dinner. We stayed at home for the first time since our marriage this year. We are a family now, and the twins are old enough to start remembering Christmas at home. The baby will arrive the latter part of February - by normal delivery. No section this time. It is a big baby, and the doctors say it is strong enough now to survive even though it tries again to enter the world ahead of time. But, even though I have been miserable for so long - and made everyone around me miserable, too - I still  want these last two months for the baby. Every singly day I carry it is most important. I am praying for something else - that I shall be able to nurse it. Dr. J. says "Just wish hard enough and it will come true. The will to nurse a baby sometimes makes milk when diets fail." Well, I'm wishing.